I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my destiny was always to be a Mom. Not only to my own children, but also to the kids that weren’t given a fair start. I know that God gave me patience and rationality to handle things that would frighten others to their core. I also know that I was blessed with a partner that is my perfect balance. I have an amazing support system and have been taught very, very well. But in spite of all my many blessings, there are many days when I question my “calling” and the decision to become a Mom.
I’m pretty sure I never questioned my sanity before children, or at least not on a daily basis. I know that I used to shower regularly, and I most certainly didn’t go 6 months between haircuts. I used to eat normal meals at normal times, and not toast at midnight and call it lunch. I can remember buying clothes based on what they looked like and not because they’re comfortable and don’t need to be ironed. I could stay up or sleep in and know that my house wouldn’t be trashed in my absence. I had money in the bank. But these aren’t the things that make me question, it’s the bigger stuff.
I have never cried so much as when I became a Mother. I now shed tears of happiness, sadness, frustration and or plain old exhaustion. I worry that the words I speak or the decisions I make will have lifelong ramifications. I worry about being too tough on my kids or if I’m not being tough enough. I question whether or not I’m doing a good enough job? Do my children know their worth? Do they see how fabulous they really are? Have I given them the confidence to rise above the nonsense that will surround them as they grow? Do they know how to stand up for themselves and for others when necessary? Have I been the example that they needed to see? Will they be okay?
Why has it become so hard to just trust that I’ve done the best job that I could possibly do? As my kids have gotten older, I find that I trust myself less. I can now see their future and their life outside of my home and it scares me. I am responsible for shaping them and guiding their journeys. They are no longer my babies, they have become young adults.
I miss them as little people, before they had opinions and found joy in everything. I miss the days when the biggest “problem” was whether or not we’d find the missing Hot Wheel before bedtime. I miss just “being in the moment” with them and watching them learn and grow.
I guess it’s time for me to stop questioning. I know that I’m a good Mom and that I’ve done the best job possible. My children are going to make a difference in this world. They are going to be strong, upstanding citizens and amazing parents. For now I will wait and I will watch and I will let go of all the things that I’ve given up or have missed out on by following my calling. Becoming a Mom truly is a gift and for that I will always be grateful.
April Wiens, The Making of a Mommy Series: April is a Mama to Many, and is addicted to Reality TV and her husband. She spends most of her day working at her 2 businesses, Got Something To Say Vinyl Design & Bumblebee Kids.
